Renya's Therapy Journal

Our campaign so far as told through the eyes of Renya - things that Renya doesn't know will not be mentioned. This is from his perspective of what is/is not important + some internal dialogue.

Session 0
I've been in the Faery Torches - which I will maintain is a horrible name, are we really trying to test the fae folk into entering our realm? - for roughly five and a half months. Dr. Thalus suggested that I resume journaling, much like I did in my youth, so here I am. They swear that they will not read it: they merely ask that I keep a journal to put down my thoughts and opinions, etc. While I don't doubt that they will stay out of it, I do not have such high hopes for Mafin (she was always snooping around my stuff when we were children and tends to believe that she knows best, which, granted, she sometimes does).

While my new teammates appear to be better than the old, I thought my old teammates were good at first, so really who knows if my judgement is correct. While some of them (read: Judas and Valanth) have different ideals than me, Alina and I usually see eye to eye. Except on the terms of faith, that is. I just don't understand her faith in her god, not that I disapprove with it.

We're finally going to get our first real mission. This isn't the city watch or the gate guard - I don't have my status anymore - so I hope not to disappoint.

Session 1
Ok, why the hell does the guard need to know what the Faery Torches are up to? How is our business of their concern?! We're not a part of the army, so why? Mafin sent me a message today, telling me that I needed to make sure that the goblin Sparkle (Sprinkle? Sprinkles?) returned back to her abusive owner because the guard had some stance in it or something. Personally, I believe that Belor Noggin should have been arrested for child abuse (concerning his behavior towards both his sons and Sprinkle, at the very least he should have gone through a CPS trial, surely) but instead, we made arrangements so that Norman (Noggin?) would have to go to anger management in order to get Sparkle back.

Everything is resolved, I suppose, though not quite as cleanly as I would have hoped. Anyway, I made some sort of excuse to my party (lying already, god, I've not even been here a year. Am I the one who corrupts the groups I'm with? I feel like I'm always butting heads) and went to visit Mafin. I'll admit I was more...fervent than I should have been towards her, but she quickly diffused the situation as she always does. I felt guilty for accusing her (and the royal guard) of planting me in the Faery Torches. Of course they didn't - I made the choice all on my own to leave, and made the choice on where to transfer to. Even if they did, that wouldn't be Mafin's fault. I made plans to visit home with her next weekend. Hopefully I have the chance to apologize correctly then.

Lastly, the royal court called us in. I froze up the second I got in there...I'm not looking forward to talking about that with Dr. Thalus. I bowed and stood in silence while the queen - the actual queen herself! - invited us to her son's wedding. I don't know if I'll be able to make it through the whole party. I'll talk to Thalus about ways to get through the whole party. One doesn't just snub a royal invitation. Oh, and I'll need to find something to wear...

Day 1:
Fairly uneventful day. Went to town to get a nice suit for the wedding and, while there, also had the urge to go to the menagerie. I bought two salamanders, and honestly I'm not even sure why I did so. They're cute, though. Perhaps the younger kids at the orphanage will like them. Besides, I'm not the only one who came back from our shopping today with an animal - Judas came back with a Labrador.

Edit: Was aroused in the night by a fire. Well, was woken by one of my teammates, anyway. We rushed out to save people from the flames. Judas and I went into one house and I quickly realized my lack of fire protection - unlike Judas, I do not have a natural resistance - not that it stopped me. We nearly fell down some burning stairs but I caught the both of us in time before it fully collapse. To save a father and child, I jumped from the window with them (and Judas, because how else were they going to get out?) in my arms. It hurt a bit, but they were all fine. We then went into tunnels to figure out where the source of the fire came from, where we met a strange elf. Currently, he is showing me his odd mouse while we wait for the others to return from the black market. I couldn't go in, seeing as I'm fairly easy to distinguish. I used to be one of the guard, and I'm one of the only half-orcs around here. Hopefully the others figure out to where the individual who started this fire escaped soon.

Day 2:
I feel...odd.

Something is wrong, I think. Well, I can't tell for sure. Maybe?

We met the soon-to-be bride of Elodia today. It's odd. It's like I'm forgetting something important, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it is. She asked us to call her Peach for now. She needs to escape the city. The second my best friend Valanth said so, I knew that we had to get her out of here, so I helped our group plot her escape. We're going to get out of the city via river, then make our way to one of Valanth's contacts. She'll be safe, there. I'll write more later; it's important that we do this now. I can worry about the weird feeling later.

...

I...there was something- I was angry, wasn't I? About something?

We got out of the river. I had to pull everyone else out because they were nearly swept away by the current. I remember being so, so angry about something. Or maybe I was upset? I don't remember what it was. Valanth told me not to worry about it and to go collect firewood. She's right. I need to get the princess warm so that we can continue on our journey. Hell, I need to get warm. I'm freezing. I need to stop writing and go finish collecting the wood.

...

She casted she fucking  she Valanth casted charm person on me. She charmed me. My teammate charmed me. Amidst everything I trusted her and she didn't trust me She casted charm person so that I wouldn't do the correct thing and turn in the princess. What the hell are we doing out here?! god, this is treason. I truly am sympathetic to the princess' plight! I am! It's awful to not be in control of your future. But as royalty, that's one of the prices you pay to be a good leader. You make sacrifices so that your country can be better for it. I'm truly sorry that she is engaged to someone she doesn't like, but this isn't the way to help anyone. We should have taken council with the queen, explained her case - or hell, she should explain her own case! - and listen to the alternatives, if there are any. If there aren't, there is nothing else we can do: the parents of each side - the kings/queens of each party - agreed to this. This is two kingdoms we are betraying. But no, let's not listen to the fucking half-orc, let's charm him into doing what we want so that he's a part of our crime. Do they really distrust my beliefs so strongly Did I mention that this is literal treason?!

What we are doing...it goes against what I believe. I'm holding off against running back to Elodia and alerting the guards there because Judas made a valid point when I said I was going to do so - they said it would be better to wait until we found the princess again. Oh, did I forget to mention that? Yeah, not only did we sneak a princess out of the city (treason) we also lost said princess in the wilderness.

Is this my fault? I'm furious. I'm upset that my teammates would I'm tired. I'm...I don't know. My head hurts from the charm person spell - from the double charm person spells. It's just pounding. I keep revisiting memories with conflicting feelings - did I want to do something or was it the spell? My memories feel like I'm watching them through water. I'm doing things, and I'm both me but not me. I wanted to do things but didn't. It wasn't like Valanth was a puppetmaster pulling my strings, I was- I mean, I was in control, but I wasnt? Bringing up good ways to get out of the city, it's not like Valanth forced me to do that. I just...did it because I thought it would help. Did I want to help? I mean, I didn't, but did I? I'm all turned around.

We're setting up camp. I would protest more, but I'm really tired. Hopefully my thoughts will settle in my sleep.

update: we were woken up by some river hags. we killed them. I'm going back to sleep.

Session 3: A Letter to Peach
Audio of the letter:

Peach,

I am not unsympathetic to your plight. It truly is a terrible thing, to be engaged to one but in love with another. Of course, I have not been and never will be in the same situation, but I can sympathize to a degree.

However.

Peach, I want you to think very, very carefully on what you are doing here. This decision, as much as it should be otherwise, does not simply just affect you. And no, I'm not talking about how it affects my little crew either (though I will remind that all of us, regardless of whether you find your love or not, are now forced to either abandon our lives back home or pray that our treason go unfound by our kingdom so that we will not be killed or imprisoned for life). A simple breaking of fiances can bring severe strain on two nations. You know this, I know this. A breakage in this way? Peach, this could so very easily be a cause for war.

Yes, war. Think of your fiance; does he seem the type to let go of such a large slight to his name? Does he appear that he would simply let the fact that you snubbed him so wholly go? I fear for both of our nations.My hands are tied, by this point. I only have the following paths ahead of me: 1. that my friends coworkers that this group suddenly change their mind and take you back

2. that I go back alone and send out a party to find you

3. that I go along with you all

4. that you change your mind and decide to go back

One is unlikely to ever happen. Two is no longer feasible - if I am not killed for helping in the first place, it is doubtful they would catch up, and my coworkers this group would be killed for treason if they did, which I do not desire. The only real options here are three and four. So, then, I am pleading. I am begging with you. Please, Peach: take option four. Come back with us. Make a home as best you can with a fiance you do not love, and gain power from it. You, too, would be running a kingdom. Remember this. You are not powerless in such a position. Our current ruler is a queen; equal sharing of power is likely to be expected. Get guards you trust on your side. Make the best out of the situation. If you do so, Peach, I have an offer for you:

I refuse to leave your love, Kaia, in such a position. None of this mess would have happened were it that you two were allowed to be together in the first place. I will travel to your kingdom and ask for the release of your Kaia. If someone is able to send her message, she can pretend she was shaken by marriage jitters - as some are oft to do, I'm told - and that she was to be wed to me before that point. If no message can be sent, any protests on her part would be seen as "not wanting to be wed" and not "I have no idea who that man is." If your parents are so against your marriage to her, I am sure they would be more than willing to throw her at me, even if for a price. Or, if not me, perhaps one of the others would be willing to do so.

I, of course, have no deigns on your lady, and do not plan to marry her at all (unless it is needed in order to get her free from such a prison). Perhaps she can come to you again once properly disguised - I trust that your husband-to-be and mother-in-law-to-be have no knowledge of her, so she may not even have to be disguised - as a handmaiden or adviser. Or, if you think he would not be opposed to it, you could marry her as well (as far as I know, there are no laws against polyamory in our state, and if I recall correctly this wouldn't be the first time that the king and queen are married for political reasons but are separately married to other people whom the love, but I would check first, of course).

Peach, please. Think about the damage that a war could do to your kingdom and to the one I hail from. Think about the strain that would last for decades after such a scandal. Please.

If you choose to leave still, there is nothing I can do about it. I will not fight it, I will not complain, and I will follow. I will hope that no ill will comes to you. But if you do choose to leave regardless of the damage it will cause, this action will (though I doubt this will mean much to you considering I am not even one of your subjects) cause you to lose much of my respect. Again, this likely means nothing.

I am sorry for your plight. I will not stop being sorry, regardless of which path you take. Though what happened to you was abhorrent, what may in turn happen to your people (and mine) would be as well. Again, my opinion likely means nothing to you, but I hope desperately that you will at least consider the amount of damage you could inadvertently cause.

You say you want to be the master of your fate. You say you do not want to be a coward. To this, I ask you, what is your definition of cowardice? Isn't condemning two kingdom's people to war, death, and/or strife more cowardly than facing one's duty in the best way they can in order to prevent it? Isn't abandoning one's post the definition of cowardice?

Yes, to be a guard, a part of me would vanish when on duty. This is the case with every job that most have had, and all for me, save for this one - and look where that took me, Peach, charmed out of myself worse than it had been in the guard, because at least with the guard I had a choice in what would be erased. Do not presume to know me; I have not the means to find myself. Many people do not. This does not mean that we are not individuals. I am glad you have found who you are. I'm glad you want to be independent and make your own choices - that is what a future queen should want to do, as you'd be making a hell of a lot of them for people other than yourself. You deserve happiness, yes. But so do the thousands of people that your decision impacts.

I am sorry. But you should think on your choice.

-Renya the Forewaker